I was wrong
by NekoRyuko
Summary: Admitting love is hard, loss of love is even harder, but forgetting love is the hardest thing of all. This isn't your ordinary KiruGon! Can mistakes be amended? Will there be a happy ending? [Revived!]
1. Decision

----I was wrong----

**Author:** NekoRyuko :3

**Fanfic Title:** I was wrong

**Pairing:** KiruGon :D My OTP

**Genre:** Angst/Romance. In this fic, angst means a lot of dark brooding and drama. Romance means slash and fluff. Thus don't expect to see a lot of humour or action. If you want that, go read 'Valentines Day' :D

**Summary of fanfic:** Admitting love is hard, loss of love is even harder, but forgetting love is the hardest thing of all. This isn't your ordinary KiruGon! Can mistakes be amended? Will there be a happy ending? (Revived!)

**Chapter Title:** Decision

**Chapter Summary:** It is Gon's birthday and everyone is celebrating. Why, though, is Killua being so absentminded? What is troubling him on such a momentous occasion? And what is this all-important decision he is being forced to make? –Killua narrative--

**Rating:** For this chapter, probably PG. There shouldn't be anything young teens are not familiar with, anyway. :)

**Warning**: Sentimental Killua! O.o… Oh yes, this fic DOES contain references to slash (i.e. male/male romantic relationship). It's not overt so a person who hates slash may still really enjoy this. ) Some minor language, too. Knowledge of HxH themes will aid your enjoyment of this ficlet.

**Disclaimer:** In case you were wondering, no I DO NOT own Hunter x Hunter, or its' characters. All credit for the former goes to Togashi Yoshihiro-sama. Fantastic mangaka. Created such a deep and meaningful story :) I do, however, own this idea. The inspirations came from personal life experiences, like for most writers, but these were backed up by the characters' own histories.

**A/N:** This fic was originally posted under my old account, to which I lost my login details, and thus had to create this new one. I really hope they won't block my account for 'plagiarism'. -.- I re-read this fic and thought it was deemed worthy my time and effort to fix it up and re-upload. The fic was written almost 3 years ago, when I first became a fan of Hunter x Hunter. It was so long ago, that I don't really know what I wanted to do with chapter 3… I must make sure it differs from _CornflowerBlue_'s fiction, though :3;;; since our plots are quite similar here. Her work actually inspired me to revive this! Thank you :)

To those who reviewed this fic all those years ago, _thank you so much! _I still remember and treasure your comments. I will make sure this doesn't go suspended without update for three years, ever again! -nervous smile-

Thank you to my beta-reader, _SpiritsMelding_, for pointing out my ridiculous mistakes. XD I've had a good laugh at myself. Learnt a great deal. Thank you!!

_Italics_- represent Killua talking in his mind, either to himself or addressing Gon. They are also used for words that are emphasised.

Happy Reading!!

_**Chapter 1: Decision**_

_Today is your thirteenth birthday, the day you leave the tender childhood to enter a new epoch of your life. Yes, you are now officially a teenager. This being the first birthday I've ever celebrated for anyone, I wanted to make sure I got it right. Gifts. I had to get you something special, something I knew you'd like, something from my heart. That included making that chocolate cake, dressed in white crumbs of coconut that coated its' surface like pure white snow. On top of the 'snow' I wrote with whipped chocolate cream, a message that read "To my best friend Gon". I made a card too. It had our photograph on its' cover. The one where I had my arm wrapped around your shoulder and you had yours around mine. Inside the card, in a golden pen, I've congratulated you on your thirteenth birthday. And naturally, I mentioned how thankful I am to have met you and be your friend (although it had little relevance to your birthday, I wrote it down anyway.) Now that I think of it, there were other things I wanted to say but was afraid of disclosing too much. Even though you are totally clueless I know you aren't stupid. That's why I stopped there..._

"You'll always be my most precious friend and I hope we can stay together forever, no matter what right? Well, I'll be your friend no matter what so yeah... With love, Killua." Gon read in a casual tone as if it was the most normal thing in the world. To me, it was hard to believe that _-I-_ wrote that!

He thanked me, of course and even gave me a hug, which I didn't have the will to refuse, even with Kurapika and Leorio giggling. Oh how I would have liked to strike them on the head but my anger vanished completely with Gon's warm, peaceful smile.

"Oh there's more..." the birthday boy said as he looked near the bottom of the card "PS: This card is for your eyes only, don't let anyone else read it."

"Oh!" he stuttered, grinning nervously. "Oops. I'm sorry Killua. Did you not want me to read this out loud?" he questioned me innocently. I had the urge to hit myself with one of those wooden hammers they used in animes Gon and I liked to watch. I slapped my hand on my face instead. I could feel the warmth of my cheeks beneath the palm of my hand and I covered it up, because I must have been blushing.

In between my fingers I could see Leorio and Kurapika exchange glances, a smirk appearing on their faces simultaneously. It didn't take much for them to pick up on the meaning of anything I said or done. Sometimes they could even read my intentions before I became aware of them for myself. That's why the card was meant for Gon's eyes only. Because, unlike the rest of my friends, no matter how many clues or hints I gave him, vague or straightforward, once or many times, he'd never see the unspoken meanings behind them. It's true that Gon had great intuition when it came to understanding people's inner natures, so why did he always take words at face value? Why didn't he attempt to think deeper? Sometimes I wonder instead of giving him all these presents, I could have just bought him a clue!

"_My precious friend." "Forever". _One day. I told myself. One day soon, I'll work up the courage to tell him _exactly_ what I meant. I will tell him three words. And if he still doesn't get it, I'll tell him in another way. Five words. Maybe he really doesn't know what I'm talking about. Then I'll have to _show_ him what I meant. If I have to go that far, I'm afraid being realistic, it will still be long, very long. A very, very long time 'til I work up the courage...

They're all eating the cake. This gives me time to contemplate things. It might be hard finding the right words to explain what I'm feeling as having 'feelings' is still quite a new concept for me. I had no feelings for anybody before I left my family residence. The only outside contacts I had were associated with my assignments. Mostly the people I murdered. They screamed when I stabbed them. In their eyes I saw fear, sadness, panic, plead. But for them I never felt pity, nor did I care what they felt. I never needed to wonder what went through their minds when I tortured them to their last breath. I only remember being haunted. Haunted by women screaming, children crying, men shouting, all of them bleeding. The time I wasn't killing the only so called 'feelings' I experienced were pain, from various forms of torture such as poison and electricity, and boredom, as I often wondered what it would be like to try something other than assassination. Which is the reason why I joined the Hunter exam last year. I never expected to be where I am now! Was it destiny or a chance encounter? I don't know, but…

What I know is, since I met my best friend Gon at the exam I've changed so much. From the beginning without me asking for it, he told me words I never heard in my entire life. "You are a nice person, Killua. I can tell. You don't have to murder people." I couldn't think of any other person that could ever tell that to a serial killer's face. "...you have a kind heart."

_How could you say that to a guy who's just took the heart of a fearsome murder with the sharp of a hand? When people see me like that they run for their lives, yet you wanted to become my friend? In fact, you went to the fearsome death zone otherwise known as the Zoldyck mansion just to find me? Risking your life so that I don't stay in my bitter past. Thinking of death, of blood, of hate._

_You brought me out into the light and stayed there with me. You saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. I had been so cynical but you would just laugh at my negativity, telling me I was saying nonsense or sometimes pout. Then I'd laugh anyway. I never laughed before (not from happiness). Heck, I never knew the meaning of the word. Or at the very least, hadn't given that word much meaning. You've really changed me. You changed me a lot._

Now at his side I feel almost like a normal kid. Or at least one that fits into the jigsaw puzzle of the world. What's more, I found the place where this piece belongs. Out of billion of pieces, this one would fit next to Gon. _I hoped_. Now here comes the doubtful part of me again. What if the Gon piece doesn't fit together with the Killua piece?

"What's wrong Killua?" a distant voice reached me, jerking me out of my thoughts.

"Aaa... gomen ne " I replied absent-mindedly.

"Are you going to eat your cake, or just play with it?" the blonde chain-user teased me. I looked at my plate. I hadn't even realised I have been trying to join up two cake pieces. Now that must have looked odd. But back to Kurapika's question.

"Yeah. I'll eat the cake." was my nonchalant response as I fell back into contemplation.

"Maybe he's not hungry..."

"For desert? Well that's new..."

Their voices were like background music as I tried to remember... Where were we? Oh yes. I want to stay with Gon forever.

At first I was embarrassed when Gon showed me affection. I didn't expect it nor did I need it. I'd preferred to be untouched and I was just happy when Gon didn't try to be 'too friendly'. Maybe it's because I told him so many times "Stop it. It's embarrassing." _Could he have taken it seriously? How could I have been so careless, so unappreciative? _I wondered. I think after a while I got over the embarrassment and I was in a state of 'no response.' Like 'Hey, ya love me and think I'm so awesome, thanks ne! That's cool! --" But that was such a long time ago; don't you know I've changed so much since then? It's been over a year since we known each other and well, I've just grown so attached to the thought that we'll always be together. We're best friends. So now that those matters have been settled I had time to discover I wanted more.

It took a lot of mental struggle within myself to admit that simple fact. Actually, I made it so complex that even I always fell into a state of confusion. Because there are so many cons with the feelings I developed, I had to come up with many counter thoughts to justify them. To be blunt, I love Gon. And that took guts to admit even to myself.

I thought falling in love would be similar to those romantic tales presented by the media. A man falls in love with a beautiful girl and she eventually falls in love with him as well after he swims the deepest sea and battles the toughest monsters to bring her something she desires, say, a magical pearl. Then they kiss and the rest goes on like the adult channel. I had thought that was 'love'. Love was lust, passion, excitement, happiness, a shared feeling, and a bond. That last word would have usually sounded somewhat erotic but for some reason it no longer did. I never thought that _I _would be shy of love. I'm so mature for my age, yet I couldn't admit to myself that I had a little 'crush' for the past few months. Now that was pathetic for the almighty strong Killua Zoldyck.

Maybe it isn't real love at all. What I really feel is... attachment. I cannot live a day without Gon, even if he's just there I can breathe again. For him I'd do anything as I'd proven so many times already. I would never let anything bad happen to him and I'd protect him with my life. I find everything about him charming and attractive. His hyper and cheerful personality, his kindness, silliness, his cuteness, his stubbornness, and yes even his clueless-ness (that drives me crazy but I love it, simply because it's him.) I want to be his _special_ friend, just like he is mine. I think of the jigsaw puzzle of the world again. He is already attached from all sides. All his friends, his family, and the entire world - they all love him too. I'm still a separate piece, floating, trying to attach myself to Gon's world. That is how important he is to me. He's the only one I can hold onto on this entire planet. I remember Gon once asked me for my purpose in life. I told him I didn't know... It was then that he suggested, that until I found my purpose, I could just stay by his side. It seems to have become my purpose. He was my purpose in life. If he lets me join the jigsaw puzzle, next to him, I would achieve my purpose. It's up to him though, if he has a special place for this little jigsaw Killua. It's all in his hands. In other words, he owns me. I'm all his. And judging by how much I think about it and how seriously I'm take this, I think there's no possibility for me ever loving anyone as much as I love him. So I fear, unfortunately, that this is indeed real love.

_You should really know by now, but you don't. In a way that's a good thing because I fear for our friendship. On the other hand it's a bad thing, because I fear for our friendship. You see- if I don't tell you, I act withdrawn or gloomy. I have the urge to tell you so I have to get distracted in other things. When I run out of things to do (like trying to give you hints through everything we do together -through music, poetry, photographs, stories, movies, where you skilfully manage to miss my point again and again.) I fall back into my miserable world of thoughts. I get perplexed again and you start to worry. But how can I explain this to you? I've lost track of half my thoughts by then (and that's an understatement). All I can tell you is "forget it." I could lie to you and say I was fine but you know what? You changed me so much that I don't even have the heart to lie to you anymore. Are you turning me into a reinforcement type? Because all I can think of…is this…one thing. When I tell you "it's nothing" you don't look too happy. You know there is something, but I can't let you know. I'd be signing a death wish. I feel terrible for making you worry. I don't want to see you unhappy, you know? That's why I fear for our friendship. If you get so unhappy you may wish to leave. On the other hand, I may go insane first, if I don't tell you._

_Would it be even worse if I did tell you? I don't think me trying to impress you had enough effect on you to love me as much as I love you. You certainly seem to be happy with all the sappy or entertaining things I say but that seems to be the only effect. It's all good, but it doesn't go deeper. Maybe if you tried thinking deeper, beneath the surface of things...but that's not like you. And to be honest thinking deeper only makes you stuck deeper. Now the problem with telling you is...do you even know what love is? If you do, you would know it's between a girl and a boy. _To me, it feels like a stereotype 'cause I don't see why love has to have 'rules' of who you are and aren't allowed to love. Why does it have to be ruled by gender? Even though I feel wrong about it, being under the influence of society's majority opinion, I still think I'm right. I've not accepted the fact that I may be 'homosexual' as the thought scares me. If I were, I would have to tell myself to get over it because in the future I would have to find a girl to marry. Unfortunately, that thought makes me even more depressed. I can only imagine the coldness of it. A faked kiss, a dispassionate love. A spurious "I love you honey" and "I've missed you". Will I have to live in deception, in denial? Is the future awaiting me just a game of pretend? It's so obvious now, even if it's not right, I cannot love anyone more than Gon. And no one knows or appreciates me as much as he does. Why do I need to put all that effort, all that emotion in dedicating myself to anyone else? Would Gon be grateful? If he knew how much he was loved?

_You already have more than you deserve. A best friend! Someone like you should be more grateful! How could you possibly deserve anything more? It's your karma._

_You know it. He will run away, Killua. _His mind continued to forecast_. He'll stop being your friend. Do you want to scare him away? Confessing something like that. He will fear you. Avoid you. Are you willing to risk a friendship more valuable that everything you ever known or had, to risk a friendship so priceless? You'll be nothing if he leaves you. Don't grow so attached. Forget this feeling. Hide it, burry it. He must never know._

_No… what if... one day it slips up?_ He's not ready. Maybe when he's older. But he's a teenager already, not a child. _Should I wait another year? Can I hold out? Sooner or later, will he know? Do I wait for him to act like he loves me too?_ Because I'm just not feeling it. What if I'm rejected or worse, he will hate me. And no longer be my best friend.

_Would I lose everything?_

- - -

_Find me here._

_And speak to me._

_I want to feel you._

_I need to hear you._

_You are the light._

_That's leading me._

_To the place._

_Where I find peace._

_Again._

_You are the strength._

_That keeps me walking._

_You are the hope._

_That keeps me trusting._

_You are the light._

_Into my soul._

_You are my purpose._

_You're everything._

_You calm the storms._

_And you give me rest._

_You hold me in your hands._

_You won't let me fall._

_You steal my heart._

_And you take my breath away._

_Would you take me in._

_Take me deeper now._

'_Cause you're all that I want, you're all that I need. You're Everything._

_Everything._

_- - -_

-----

--------

Song credits to Lifehouse – "Everything". –Starry eyed- My recently discovered favourite! I'm quite shocked at how much it resembles this ficlet I've written three years before. It summarises Killua's feelings for Gon so brilliantly. Just. Wow.

**Japanese vocabulary:**

Aa - yes

Gomen ne – I'm sorry, okay?

Other notes:

Karma – the law of what goes around comes around. What you put in is what you get out. What you give is what you get returned, etcetera.

Zoldyck – I know the common spelling is 'Zaoldyeck', but I prefer the original Japanese reading.

Please review!!! XO I'm still a beginner here and need your support. Or else I'll think it ain't any good and not bother to update much.

Thank you for reading!!!!

-Bows-

Please look forward to more dialogue and action in chapter 2 :)


	2. Confession

----I was wrong-----

I really don't know if this is worth posting, but I'll just give it a go anyway. I guess I wasn't a good writer back when I was 16.

Will probably delete it sometime soon since this fic constantly sends out signals to me that it should never make a public appearance and just be left as one of those drabbles you store away on some backup CD.

**Author:** NekoRyuko :3

**Fanfic Title:** I was wrong

**Pairing:** KiruGon :D My OTP

**Genre:** Angst/Romance. For humor/action, please read 'Valentines Day' :)

**Summary of fanfic:** Admitting love is hard, loss of love is even harder, but forgetting love is the hardest thing of all. This isn't your ordinary KiruGon! This is –drum roll-...DRAMA! Can mistakes be amended? Will there be a happy ending? (Revised version.)

**Chapter Title:** Confession

**Chapter Summary:** It's time to take the plunge. How will Killua show his dear Gon, the secrets of his heart? And how will Gon react?? Killua believes that whatever may happen, it is probably for the best anyway!

**Warning**: This fic DOES contain references to slash (i.e. male/male romantic relationship). Some minor language, too. Knowledge of HxH themes will aid your enjoyment of this ficlet.

**Disclaimer:** In case you were wondering, no I DO NOT own Hunter x Hunter, or its' characters. All credit for the former goes to Togashi Yoshihiro-sama.

Two song lyrics snitched. "I want you to want me" by NOFX and "I wish you love" by Natalie Cole.

**A/N:** Modified this chapter A LOT! This fic is now very different from what it was three years ago. Guess insight comes with age. This is also becoming somewhat of a song-fic! I always wanted to convey how some music really makes me think of a relationship such as KiruGon, and now I've done it. :D I'm so happy! I'll try to do at least one each chapter.

_Italics_- represent Killua talking in his mind. They can also represent lyrics and words that are emphasised.

Happy Reading!!

* * *

**Chapter2: confession**

_"...I want you to want me_

_I need you to need me_

_I'm begging you to beg me_

_"I'd love---"_

"Ne Killua..." I heard him whine from the veranda. "Why did you switch off the music?"

"It was... distracting." I lied. Or rather 'misinformed' him. As I said before, I can no longer lie to Gon. And I _-was- _distracted, from my thoughts. But other than that, I had this hunch that the songs played on radio were chosen deliberately to make me jealous and annoy the crap out of me.

I hopped next to my dark haired friend on the veranda, stretching out my arms and legs to take on the appearance of calmness. A cool summer breeze made it's way across once every minute or so, carrying my thoughts away with it.

"The stars are really beautiful." He said wistfully.

"Yeah. Such a clear sky tonight." I responded, sounding just as wistful.

The next moments were spent watching the stars in silence. Without a thought interrupting the peacefulness of my mind... at least until he started singing!!

_"I'd love you to love me...tata tatatata..."_

"GON!!" I shouted a little too loudly.

"Eh?" he turned to me, startled.

"Oh...sorry" I gave him a wry smile and quickly hid my shameful face.

"Is something wrong, Killua?" his large, brown eyes studied me with intent concern. Oh great. How could I spoil such a calm and peaceful evening?

"Do... you really like that song?" I thought out loud.

"Hmm?"

"The one you were singing then."

"Oh... yeah! It's really catchy." he grinned at me, probably hoping to infect me with his enthusiasm. It worked. I couldn't fight the little smile forming on my face. Neither could I prevent the next words from slipping out. It felt like I lost all rational ability I always clung tightly to. Tonight, it seems, I couldn't help but think out loud, without consulting my consciousness.

"Do you like the lyrics Gon?" Must have been a pretty random question.

"The lyrics?" he paused for a moment. "Ah well... I don't really know the words, but I guess it's umm..." he looked up at the sky, a strained expression on his face. He must have been trying hard to look for the right words for describing music, which is not possible with a limited tool such as the spoken language. I can understand that feeling. But one tries anyway.

"...It's got cool rhymes!" he added finally. I was the one who grinned this time. "Don't worry."

I was going to ask him _"Do those lyrics mean anything to you"_ but figured it was pointless to go down that path. I sighed inwardly, the lyrics echoing in my head and beating with the rhythm of my heart.

It really sucked.

I didn't want to remember the lyrics but I couldn't help it... I did want him to want me... needed him to need me...

Yet another moment of peace and quiet. The smell of fresh air, crickets chirping in the distance, a silver moon slightly hidden behind a smoky grey cloud. The stars encircled the veranda as if we were floating in space. A momentary silence, until...

_Don't you realise you're missing another golden opportunity? _Came that voice again;the little annoying thing living inside my head. I wanted to scream_ "ARGH! Leave me alone!!" _but I managed to keep myself calm._ What is it now?_

_Tonight. _The voice said_. When will you get such a perfect set-up again, huh? Next time you want to tell him, there might be people around. Kurapika, Leorio, Mito-san, maybe even Ging... or even worse, Hisoka! You've got Gon all alone now, you know. Use the damn opportunity! He's right next to you. _The voice lectured him_. It's just... just... how do I start?_

"Gon..." I began.

"Yes?" he switched his sitting position to face me. His expression was an absolute calm. All I could see was his silhouette; his bright eyes and his 'keen to know' smile were lit by the soft glow of the moonlight. _It is fact,_ I thought, _Gon is a very beautiful person._

"We need to talk." The sturdiness of the statement surprised me. I was really doing it. With my heart racing and adrenalin pumping though me I felt ready... or at least I hoped.

"Yes."

"Yes?" I gaped at my friend in surprise. "You mean... you have something to tell me too?"

"I'm not sure," He replied nervously. And just by saying that, he made me wonder about him all over again. Did he have something in mind? Does he want to confess too, or am I being too hopeful? I knew this would drive me crazy if I didn't go on...

"Well you can go first." I offered, decieving my own ego to think this was a way to gather more clues when in fact I was just playing chicken again. But just maybe, somehow, I could get him to open up to me without blowing my cover, like the sneaky cat I am. A cat playing chicken.

"Actually... I don't have anything to say Killua. I'm just happy. That you were there on my birthday."

_You. _I narrowed my eyes, annoyed at not having received what I wanted. But he was happy to be with him! _This means he likes being with you!_ This ray of hope melted my heart and brain into mush. This hope... I grabbed this inanimate object and braced myself.

"N-na, Gon." I uttered carefully, but already the excitement was rising; mixing with anxiety and thousands of other emotions in one big swirl of dizziness.

"…We-...You will always be my friend, right? I mean no matter what I say or do. No matter what happens. Will we always be best friends? Gon--"

"Of course!" Gon, who has patiently listened to my little emotional plea, responded with an assuring nod of the head.

"But, Gon… I want you to promise. I know you might think it's strange but please--"

"I promise." he cut me off just at the right time again. "But why do you ask this? What could possibly make us stop being friends?" He didn't know. But he would know soon. Now the stage seemed almost safe for our friendship. If he decided to run away after all, I'd simply remind him of the promise. Gon wasn't one to break a promise, he knew. But in any case, even if Gon is forced by this promise, I won't be able to force the opinions and feelings inside of him... I cannot do anything if they change.

Still, I must be cautious. I needed to ask him first.

"Gon... have you ever... loved anybody?" I managed to articulate after some effort. I avoided his eyes, although I might have been able to see the answer more clearly if I hadn't.

"Loved?" he questioned me, looking puzzled. "Of course I have! I love aunt Mito, Grandma, my friends, my--"

"No Gon..." I cut him off this time. Sighing, I moved myself to lie on my back facing the boundless sky of stars above. "Have you... been in love?"

"In… love..." he reiterated the words. I turned to face him now, throwing my arms in exasperation.

"Oh come on! You know don't you? Don't you know what being 'in love' means? It's like--"

"Yes I know." Gon answered simply and closed his eyes. A smile formed on his chubby little face that soon turned into a tiny smirk. "I'm thirteen, Killua." I watched him attentively now, not knowing what unearthly things to expect next. "...Do you really think I'm so stupid Killua?" his voice was a mixture of hurt and cheekiness.

"No no! I didn't mean that Gon! I guess it's expected for you to know such a thing at your age." I placed a hand to my chin and grinned.

"So uh... would you answer my question?" I looked down at my feet, feeling the tension escape in every word. My aura wavered as if I was terribly worn out from a battle. "Have you... ever... been in love?"

"Ummm... I don't know..." he said "But..."

"But?"

"But...there was a time. This little girl, Mizuri-chan, from Whale Island…she was the only other kid I ever saw besides you, Killua. She only visited for a day, but she told me she liked me but I didn't realise my feelings for her until--" ... "Killua?!"

"O..oh. I don't know - I mean you can go tell me ahead." I stammered. My sentences have become completely incoherent.

"But Killua?" I could hear concern in his voice again. "Why did you ask? Do you have someone that you like?"

"A..ah well I..."

"There is someone isn't there?"

Since when did Gon acquire so much foresight? All of a sudden, it felt as if I knew nothing about him. "Who is she, ne?" he winked at me, chuckling, oblivious to the drama that was playing itself out. I pulled my legs to my chest, and buried my face. "There is... no she." I answered frostily. "It's raining, Gon. We better go inside."

"Raining? No it isn't!"

I knew perfectly well it wasn't rain. It was drops of water falling from my eyes and unto my hands that were clutching my knees. I just had to say anything to get out of here. My heart and soul wanted to take off running, but my body couldn't.

"Killua..." a soft whisper came right up to my ear. I tensed in surprise but when I realised Gon has wrapped his arms around me I felt... totally indescribable. This embrace was different from all the embraces I've ever gotten from Gon before. Maybe it was because the tension I felt earlier all melted away in an instant. I suddenly felt secure, safe, happy and relaxed in his arms. The warmness and tenderness spread through all of me. It was then that I tilted my head and reached out, involuntary. I didn't know what I was doing. All I could hear and feel was the steady beat of my heart, my mind was a swirl and the next thing I knew my lips were on his.

There was silence... that seemed to last for centuries and never end until...

"W-what are you doing??" Gon snapped.

"Oh my God… I'm so sorry Gon! I didn't mean to—"

"Wait. That was a _kiss_ right?"

"Uh yeah." I whispered the answer, trying my best to suppress the heat from presenting itself on my face. Again.

"Doesn't a kiss mean you love someone?"

My stomach churned. I was afraid. No, not afraid, I was terrified. Last time I was ever this terrified was when _aniki _threatened to kill Gon back at the Hunter exam. "I…I guess." I stuttered.

"So does that mean, Killua, that you love _me_?"

Final stab. There was no backing down now! Gon was waiting for his answer, patience visibly growing thinner by the moment. "I—" I plunged but never quite got there.

"I love you too!"

"Wha--?"

"But you know, right? It's normal to love your friends!"

Killua fell over, comically. Yet the situation was nothing _but_ comical. "So you… love me as a friend?"

"Yup"

"Only as a friend?"

"Yup. What else?"

"Aaaargh you!!!" I screamed. "You're just as naïve as I expected! I don't know why I was hoping you'd understand!"

By the time I realised what I've just done it was too late. He stood there, shaken, and looked to be on a verge of tears. No doubt about it. I had hurt him.

"I'm sorry, I really don't understand. I don't think I can give you what you want, Killua." He stated bitterly. "So," his eyes welled up with tears, and I watched helplessly, not finding the courage to try and touch him again. "Goodbye."

Even as my heart was falling to pieces, I started thinking that maybe this really _is_ for the best. The ridicule from society, the disappointment and grief of relatives, inability to have a full family with children; these were but a few of the many tragedies that I would have involved you in. No, one day you will have to marry a woman. And how painful would a break-up be then?

Who am I to play with your feelings, anyway?

"Goodbye" I echoed, but he would not hear. I lay on that very spot for the rest of the night, arms stretched, embracing the nothingness beside me.

* * *

_Goodbye._

_This is where our story ends._

_Never lovers. Ever friends._

_Goodbye._

_Let our hearts call it a day._

_But before you walk away._

_I sincerely want to say._

_I wish you love._

_My breaking heart and I agree._

_That you and I could never be._

_So with my best, my very best._

_I set you free._

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OMG!! Now THAT is Angst!!! T.T Poor Killua!! I'm on the verge of crying. I think I'm too tired to cry. Wrote this at 1 am in the morning.

I know that shonen-ai neutralises men's homosexuality, but I don't want to write fantasy. I want to make it feel like it's real! Like these kids exist in our society today. Yes, different, in the way they have been raised and trained. But even the concepts of nen are feasible! This fiction must also be feasible!

Next chapter, I'm planning to delve into Gon's mind as he works out what it is exactly that Killua feels for him, with a little help... or maybe I should just stick with Killua's POV and let him try to sort out what he actually really wants from Gon.

* * *

**Japanese vocabulary:**

Aniki – older brother, said by younger brother.

Ne – hey

Chan – used as an endearment, attached after a person's name. Usually used for someone you're very close with, for little kids or grandparents.

Note: Mizuri-chan is a random character I made up to confuse Killua and the readers about Gon's state of maturity. Lol. She was not Gon's first friend. An no, she will not be making an appearance again. XD

THANK YOU FOR READING++ PLEASE REVIEW!! Your comments keep me writing!


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